I held my answers like breaths that weren’t worth letting go. And even when you’ve thrown a towel over your light I can still feel your glow. And even when your marks have turned into stains I can still feel the pulse of their power. Sometimes the best things we have to offer come with paths we had no idea existed. Trails we never realized we were leaving behind. And you’ve led me down all the right roads without ever noticing, embedded things inside my head that you never realized were originally yours. I can’t thank you because you weren’t trying, but I can’t ignore you because I’ll always owe you.
I used to write in stanzas, trying to find a form for words using carefully constructed rhyme schemes. I don’t know when I stopped caring about formulas or form— the confines of a perfect pattern— when my thoughts started becoming giant blocks of text instead of something more (for lack of a better way to put this) aesthetically pleasing.
I’ve been trying to fill up these blank pages hoping their end will mean some sort of beginning for me, hoping inky scribbles will spell out a path and I will find the motivation to follow. I’ve been lost for months, breathing in the excess light from everyone who passes, praying to hold a little bit of their glow in my lungs. I’ve got little hands and big eyes stretched wide to see everything I can, to swallow the world whole. I’ve got two lungs that want to breathe you in, deep and heavy, and a heart that beats ceaseless under the “x” I dreamt you marked with your fingertips and whispers. There are other things here too. A wolf in my stomach and a bird in my right lung—they keep me up all night, teeth gleaming, throat howling, feathers rustling in my chest. I catch the edge of shadows outside my windows, quickly casting nightmares across my walls, and keep singing the tune of my young-skinned youth to drown out the sorrows hidden between these histories. A history of calling it quits and giving only enough energy to never be let down. I cried to you: “I want to be better and good. To not belong to the dirt of this ruined planet. To stare death and all of his colors in the face and laugh out loud the silvery ghosts of demons I am excising from my spirit.” I hope you see them there, hovering above my heart, and know that I am making room for you.
More and more frequently, the world becomes tangible, available, waiting to be conquered. Sitting next to you I am convinced that all of our possibilities could become progress. Our momentary truces create two people who lacked the tension- the excitement- to mistrust passion. We are resigned to trust; dumbstruck by buttercups and butterflies. I contemplate this and have to laugh to myself. You need not worry: there are unscaled peaks of assumed selflessness and sacrifice left to explore. We are thankful- in love with everyone in general and in particular.
I recommend you drive through beach towns on summer afternoons. I recommend exploring deserted avenues. I recommend roaring with laughter, screaming, hooting… …and conquering EVERYTHING in general.
“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”—Albert Einstein
I am free these days. I carry daydreams in my pockets wrapping the world’s wonders around my finger so I will never be able to forget them. I am taking strides to mirror my so called maker, turning tiny tragedies into things I will never regret. Here I am with my sunny skin and color on my cheeks. I am fresh like strawberries from the fridge. My mouth is red. And my tongue is ready for another taste.
Remembering things you forgot about from a long time ago, blustery days, string rings, finishing all the pages in journals and getting new ones, the sound of leaves when they’ve fallen and the wind pushes them up sidewalks, laughing (hysterically) and burying my face in my hands, finding a song that says what you need to say at the moment, the Universe, inspiration, being sure of things, good dreams, infinity, English Breakfast tea, triangles, yogurt, getting back into my pajamas immediately after I get home from class, my mom’s homemade food, fingerprints, learning, little things, secrets, crushes, exchanging passions.